Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
