my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
