so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
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