I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Randomize
