i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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