He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Randomize
