Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Randomize
