a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
