Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Randomize
