So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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