He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
How does it feel to date your dad?
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
