I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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