Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
