i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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