Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
