this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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