i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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