I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
