i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
