i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
