why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
It was like giving head to a cactus.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Randomize
