I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Randomize
