pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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