I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
We left an ass print on the piano.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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