I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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