I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
