I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
