Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
