and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
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