just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
