Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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