I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
