went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
