You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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