had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
