You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
