Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
