Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
