What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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