just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
