Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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