Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Randomize
