Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
