We won't sleep together?
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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