guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
