I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Randomize
