her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
