i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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