i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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