i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
