Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
did you just send me my own nude
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
